Our Depression

This is a Disabled Pagan Voices Project Submission

The first time
The black fog of depression found you, pulled you in,
Wrapped its arms around you, covered you from head to toe,
Whispered words of hate upon your ear.
The black fog of depression curled its fingers around your heart,
Stole the bits that made you tick.
More words its venomous tongue whispered at your ear,
Darkest words of bitterness, hate and fear,
And you were gone.

I thought I found you wondering alone in the dark.
I took your hand and walked by your side
But I knew it wasn’t you.
The bluest eyes now dull and grey,
Their sparkle lost.
The smile upon your lips not yours, a stranger’s smile.
You tried.
You talked and smiled. You laughed.
You thought I didn’t know;
You thought you hid it well.
You thought alone you carried the blackest fog,
But I saw.
And I stayed by your side to help where I could
To cushion the blows of a life you could barely stand
And I watched as alone in the fog you slowly began to win.
Sometimes the sparkle would be back
And the smile would be yours
And I’d know.

I cherished those moments, infrequent as they were,
Longed for more, but took what I could,
The days where we could forget and leave the fog behind.
But it was never too many steps away
And slowly it would catch you
And whisper more words,
Pull you back down
And your sparkle would drown beneath the fog.
The blackest fog.
And I’d walk beside you once again,
Hold your hand and try to ease the pain
But you didn’t think I saw it.
You didn’t think I knew.
You thought you battled alone in the dark
But that was never so.
For the deep fog of depression,
That’s what it does;
Makes you think that no one knows you,
Makes you feel alone.
But each time I saw you battling,
More love and admiration did I have,
For a brave journey it is that a soul makes alone,
And I catch the twinkle once again
And I know that you are there –
Different, battle weary, stronger, new, improved.

It happened again
The black fog of depression gripped you tight again,
Wrapped its arms around you,
Hate filled words upon your ears
This time, you didn’t see it there.
Instead those hate filled words became the words you used.
Spite and anger were what you showed to me
But at least on those days there was a spark,
Unlike the despondent days when you didn’t see me,
Every sentence forced, apart from freely given digs.
I’d stop to ask you how your day way was or what you’d done
Or when times were bad and that was too hard for you.
I asked what you ate for lunch or what activity you had planned next
But those little spikes of interest were never reciprocated back to me.
How my day was no longer mattered to you.
All the books said be there and be supportive and understand.
But what about me?
My network, my world, my life was turned upside down,
My partner now an empty shell.
Who do I turn to now my world looks glum?
And now the black fog calls my name.

Some time later
The jolly season when all about are smiles and glitter,
Your heart’s not in it, mood bitter.
This time you know the fog is there.
You see it, feel it, but it just won’t go.
Everything is too much
You tell me you no longer want to live this life.
But then, fear of death stops you.
So you live a life without hope.
Shrouded in darkness.
I try to fight for both of us.
Show the outside world that we’re surviving

But, really, I am broken.

How can I be loved by you if you no longer want to fight for life,
To fight for me?
But I battle on
For at least I have hope,
Hope that you will wake up free of the fog.
For weeks we carry on –
Too much silence.
Then one day, emotions pour.
A breakthrough? Perhaps not.  The silence is back
And then, one day an apology -a thank you for being here. You are there!
Inside that depression riddled mind, its bitter and hateful and silent cocoon
You are there,
A glimmer of hope
And once more I wait for you to come back.

From then till now
And then slowly you could name it.
You knew the fog was demon.
You told me demons whispered to you
But what they said you could not (would not) share.
Though I know you’re lost and lonely,
Walking in the dark,
This time it’s harder for me to help
Because you’ve pushed me right away,
Would not speak, left me alone for fight my own fog.
Left. Me. Alone.
But finally, a glimmer,
You know its name
And now you can name it,
I know that you are fighting it
And so I’ll sit and wait for you
To come and rescue me.

Bobbi Jones